Published on 2025-03-09 by Teagan Pacheco

     Today, I’m representing DespairDirect. Your misery, delivered. With DespairDirect, you’ll never have to worry about unmet expectations again. We guarantee disappointment in every package! We believe people secretly want sadness, isolation, and despair. If they didn’t, why do they do all the things to sabotage their happiness? You no longer have to sift through hours of material to find what depletes your energy. We are equipped to provide you with weeks and weeks of material to drain your soul completely. 

You have probably heard that the pursuit of happiness is axiomatic. But a pursuit, by definition, is following or going after something. Meanwhile, misery and tribulation are already with us. I promise you do not have to go far to unearth your lamentations. Day in and day out, we use structure, routine, and healthy habits to generate only temporary relief. Why allow yourself to feel the ebb and flow of pleasure and pain when many of us are already complacent with our despondency? I may be misquoting him, but I believe it was Alfred, Lord Tennyson, who said, “Tis better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.” 

At DespairDirect, we ensure your mood never swings about in those uncontrollable thrusts of emotions. Our curated prescriptions of hopelessness will have you abandoning any glimpse of joy, which will keep you at a firm level of desperation all year round. You wouldn’t believe how many of our clients implemented these patterns effortlessly into their schedules. No hard work. No mountains to climb. No passages to memorize. No special juices, herbs, stretches, pamphlets, instructional videos, quizzes, equipment, or early morning routine. You were born with the faculties to maintain a life void of satisfaction and fulfillment. 

Let’s begin with something COVID has conditioned us to tackle: don’t go outside. Stay still and in the same place for as long as possible and as often as possible. Make your bedroom the only space you ever want to be. Bring in a mini-fridge, get a hot plate, and fill your closet with pantry snacks and drinks. Close the curtains to avoid being lured outside on a lovely sunny day. We have observed that customers who remain idle will further inactivity because of illness, which, brilliantly, supports our listlessness. 

Sleep. Sweet, supple sleep. Be gone with its regularity. Our researchers have found many of our best customers have unpredictable and nonuniform sleep patterns, and a consistent sleep schedule might dare to introduce productivity. Again, you must never have a clear, rational, coherent thought, as this would offer an opportunity for renewed objectives and direction. Unacceptable. We recommend downing the strongest coffee and energy drinks when you are fatigued and sluggish. Effectively, replace all water with sugary carbonation, high levels of carbohydrates, and neurotropic chemicals. The temporary rush will alleviate your drowsiness but only keep you awake to continue sulking. 

You might be asking, if I’m inside all day and sleep sometimes, but not always, what am I doing to combat boredom? Screen time is the answer! You will be on your phone, computer, TV, and maybe even your watch. Excessive screen time will provide a greater incentive to stay still and sleep less. It’s that easy! Whatever you intend to browse, be sure to focus on the negative. Grow angry with current events and then do nothing about it but fill yourself with frustration. Anticipate great change and moving hearts, only to be greeted with no return on your insignificant involvement. Blame the people you side with for doing too little, and hate those you oppose because of the slightest differences. 

I want to remind you that there is such a natural phenomenon as our conscience. Occasionally, members of our sullen community have reported times when they wonder if they’re doing the right thing. This is natural, and we have an invaluable response to assail this appraisal. You may have heard of SMART goals, but I give you DUMB goals. That is Distracted, Unrealistic, Misaligned, and Blind goals. 

We encourage you to distract your attention by focusing on everything at once, never committing to a single goal. Jump from one idea to another without follow-through. Make your pledge unrealistic by setting goals that are impossible to achieve, ensuring constant disappointment and bitterness. Pursue goals that don’t align with your values, passions, or long-term vision, leading to a sense of emptiness. Only act on other people’s desires, never to do what you want. Finally, blind yourself to any planning or tracking. Move forward without clarity or direction, ensuring chaos and confusion.

The last item I have to share as part of this presentation is something I touched on at the start. Happiness. Much to our surprise, down at the lab, we discovered that people who pursue happiness directly are the most likely to become crestfallen. Unlike the hummingbirds you patiently watch and wait for by the feeder, you must actively chase after your happiness. Begin to fill your mind with concepts of a happy place where happy people are happy all the time and wallow in your inability to be like them. 

Remember, follow your impulses. Your body constantly sends messages to stop, sit, and pull your phone out. Let the gossip, resentment, ingratitude, and indignation take over your thoughts. Say what you would have kept to yourself and watch your self-love and love for others be utterly destroyed. Please stop by DespairDirect today! Your misery, delivered.